Setting limits means knowing when and how to say "no." It means understanding your time and energy are limited resources, and people other than the care recipient — a spouse, children, close friends — also need and deserve your attention.

It means establishing a healthy and sustainable balance between caregiving and other aspects of your life, including work and recreation as well as family. And it means acknowledging that you must find others to help in your caregiving and that you also need some time for yourself to recharge.

Setting limits is a survival skill. Caregiving demands such a concentrated effort that those who don’t or can’t set limits are in danger of suffering from burnout or meltdown, anxiety and depression. Caregiving can quickly overwhelm the life of the caregiver, disrupting other relationships and making it difficult to pay attention to anything else.

What are some caregiving myths?

Examine these common myths and determine the ones you have incorporated into your beliefs:

• If I set limits, I’m being selfish and aggressive.

• If I set limits, other people will be angry with me.

• I’m in good health, so I don’t need any time off from caregiving.

• I have to do it all because nobody else volunteers or knows what needs to be done.

• Even if someone else knows what to do, they can’t do as good a job as I can.

Only when we confront the distortions behind these notions can we begin to set the limits we need and deserve.

Breaking the myths

• Setting limits is a gift to yourself and others. You can give nothing of yourself when you have nothing left to give. Exhausting yourself through non-stop caregiving helps neither you nor your care recipient.

• Setting limits does not mean a lack of love or caring. On the contrary, whatever you do to conserve your energy and preserve your strength will enhance rather than detract from your caregiving skills. In that sense, setting limits is the ultimate act of love for your care recipient.

• If you’re in good health, you want to keep it. If your health is fragile, you want to stabilize it. Studies show caregivers are at greater risk of illness, injury and emotional collapse. Taking practical steps to reduce your caregiving load will help prevent your health from deteriorating. Recognizing the need for time to be with a spouse, friends, children or alone is a sign of strength, not weakness.

• Others can’t do everything exactly the way you do, but they will do it in their own way. This does not mean that a poor substitute will suffice. It is important for you to settle on the qualities you consider most important in a paid caregiver and those open for compromise. Even if seniors complain at first, they may come to appreciate another’s approach for a change.

• Other people might be very willing to help but don’t want to intrude. Or perhaps they don’t realize how much you feel you need help. If you are the primary caregiver, it is part of your job to communicate your needs to other family members and friends who could take over some tasks or to seek out professional caregivers should resources permit.

Tips for caregivers on setting limits

Setting limits is a skill. Some people are naturals at it. Others have to learn. These tips can help:

• Begin setting limits early so it becomes a natural part of your caregiving rather then a reaction to a crisis, either yours or someone else’s. Setting limits early also helps prevent the care recipient from harboring the unrealistic notion that your life is only about caregiving.

• Assess realistically what you can and cannot do and make every effort to stick to your plan. If you don’t, you may start to experience anger and resentment — toward the senior, the situation and everyone else who is not helping enough. You must stop this cycle at the outset.

• Clearly communicate with the care recipient. Stay focused and speak in a relaxed and compassionate manner. Explain your decision and gently acknowledge any concerns and fears the senior expresses. If the senior protests and the conversation turns heated, take a break and return to the discussion later when you are both calmer.

• Don’t lay blame on the senior for exhausting you, but don’t back down or apologize for taking steps to help yourself either. And don’t make promises you can’t keep about what you will do for them down the line.

• Sit down with other family members and friends and determine how much time everyone else is willing to invest. Let go of the idea you are the only competent person involved. Others frequently want to pitch in but may feel they are in the way and don’t know how to volunteer. Set up a caregiving schedule and have others sign up in advance for shifts.

• Guilt has no place in caregiving. It helps no one, least of all the person in your care. Ignore anyone who attempts to make you feel guilty about setting limits to your caregiving activities.

• If you are nervous, practice setting limits through mental rehearsal and role-playing. Work through the process with yourself and others before approaching your care recipient. What will you say? How will you say it? How will you respond if the other person becomes angry? Think through the possibilities — and then initiate the conversation.

• If you find setting limits impossible, you might need to discuss matters with a therapist to help you discover why. Otherwise, you are far more likely to find your responsibilities leaving you ill, emotionally spent or suffering from caregiver burnout.